Well, it’s happening. I didn’t think it would, but it has. I feel I’m doing pretty good, but then there are times when I shed a tear or two. I covered my decision in prayer, I felt 100% sure. I STILL cover it in prayer and I STILL feel 100% sure, but it saddens me. I’m sure it’s masked by another issue I’m noticing, but it is coming out in this particular form…
I am getting the baby itch! I don’t want to HAVE another baby… but I want to have another baby! I don’t want to be pregnant, or deal with a newborn again, but I’m itching to hold a tiny adorable little baby in my arms again. To cuddle in the rocking chair, to smell newborn hair. To kiss tiny toes, to hear tiny little snores.
But in reality, the issue isn’t that I want another baby… because honestly I don’t. The issue is that I don’t want my existing babies to grow up! It’s odd, really. I love that Z-man is growing to a young man. That he is so close to running to the store for me (and when I say close I mean maybe in the next 2 years). I love that my Lil’ Jewel is turning into a young lady with her own ideas and creative mind. I love that my Rainbow is growing away from the terrible threes and into the Fabulous fours! But then there’s the “issue” of the baby. He’s daily outgrowing the name “baby”… and I’m struggling big time.
When Z was 1, I was expecting Lil. When Lil was 2, we were planning on #3. When my Rainbow baby finally came along, we only waited a year again before the baby came… so we are approaching a new path in our lives. Once baby turns 2 (which I am giving up the idea that I can keep him from doing that), there are no plans for another. There will be no plans for another, and there will not be another. This is our family… now we grow up, not grow out.
Baby clothes will be sold. Baby toys are sorted out into garage sale piles. Diaper-free home has a count-down (this is VERY exciting!). And although I DO look forward to our lives together as we grow older. I still want my baby back. My current baby talks in full sentences. He undresses himself. He has opinions, attitudes, and a great sense of humor. The child he is morphing into (right before my very eyes) is amazing. But he’s big. And he’s independent (although he is still pretty attached to mama… and I love it!), and he isn’t stopping. He’s still growing, maturing, and getting further from the stage.
Heidi St. John over at thebusymom.com said it perfectly, and it really has been burned into my mind this week… “It’s impossible to grasp the brevity of the life we live. I wonder, if we knew how fast the time goes, if we would stop longer, linger more.”
And as busy as life can get with a boy growing into a young man (I’m not ready yet to admit he’ll someday be a man), a girl growing into a bright young lady, a toddler emerging into a budding preschooler, and a “I-uncha-mama” kinda baby it is easy to rush through thinking, “I’ll take time to enjoy them this weekend, or over the summer, or when they have christmas break”. But instead, I want to stop and linger. Lay with a child and listen to their dreams. Ask a few more questions. tickle a few more ribs. Munch a few more cheeks. I can’t miss this. I can’t spend my time wishing they were still babies while I miss them growing into the person God created them to be. There are so many important “in-between” moments.
And, I’m with you Heidi St. John… She closes her “Move On” blog post (you can find it here) by saying, “I want to soak up the seasons of my life in such a way that it pains me to see them pass.” I’m moving on. No more babies. I’m okay with that… but I’m having a little growing pains in the process, and I’m okay with that as well.
Now, for my fab four… it’s okay to slow down a bit… help a mamma out!