What am I chasing?

In a life where I play many roles, wife, pastor’s wife, mother, homeschool mother, and child of God, it’s easy to get pushed around, twirled, and tossed. I see it as a pin the tail game. I sometimes feel blindfolded, turned around and set off to do a task of life but all I really do is feel my way and hope to get “close enough.”

I don’t want to get close enough. If I’m putting in the effort, I want to hit the mark. I want to support and love my husband; I want to serve my congregation; I want to love my children more and more each day; I want to teach my children values, reading, writing, and arithmetic, but most of all, I want to serve my Lord, Savior, Redeemer, and God of the universe! Unfortunately, I put too much emphasis on helping my husband get the church to grow (spiritually and in numbers) I pray so hard, I research, I worry, I brainstorm, I get consumed. But I fail to chase after God. Regrettably I strive to make it through my stay at home mom days filling it with activities to diminish the chaos trying to keep from yelling, and to love more. I pintrest fun activities for the kids. I read a stack of books to them, even let them crawl all over… but I fail to chase after God. Grievously, I pour my time into researching homeschool curriculum, sometimes well into the wee hours. I fear failing them academically. I worry they will hate being at home. I worry that I’ll spend too much money and then it not work. But I fail to chase after God.

The funny thing is that on paper (or a computer screen) those things don’t seem bad. I’m supporting my husband, we have a good marriage. I’m doing the best I can at my role at church, I’m a loving mother just wanting to do what’s best. I put a lot into our homeschool day… but sadly if I do not have God as my center, all this energy, all this research, all this “LOVE” is for nothing.

Jennie Allen, in her Bible study Chase says “Whether we acknowledge it or not, our lives are motivated by our hearts. So what we love determines how we live.” I truly believe that my success in those roles lies in my love for God. Apart from him, my marriage fails, our church has no meaning, my kids stay lost, and my homeschooling efforts fail. My fears are reflective of my lack of trust in my Provider. My frustrations stem from me relying on ME. My failures are a direct result of me chasing the title of best wife, and not my Jesus. My inadequacies as a mother and homeschooler are connected to my inadequacies to run hard after the heart of God.

Matthew 6:33
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

My chase should not to be to become a spectacular homeschooler (I will probably never attain it!). My chase should not be to single-handedly grow my church 10 fold. My chase should not be to have “Devoted Wife and Mother” on my tombstone. My chase NEEDS TO BE after HIM, His kingdom and Righteousness… then all these things… all the hopes and dreams I have for my marriage, my church, my kids, my “Ciske Academy” (haven’t settled on that name, yet!) will be given to me as well. And not just given to me by anyone, but by God himself.

Again, from the Bible Study Chase by Jennie Allen, “We’re all chasing after something, something that we think will make us happy– comfort, success, a bigger house, or someone’s approval. But if we are all honest, it feels like we are chasing the wind. God is invisible, and yet His is the ONLY thing we can chase that won’t leave us feeling more empty.” (emphasis mine).

My prayer for myself, my prayer for every wife, mother, pastor wife, and homeschooler… well, for every Christian and for those still seeking is for us to run wholeheartedly after God. To chase Him with all our might. To call upon Him in weakness, strength, worry and fear. Strap on our running shoes and lets run!

Hebrews.12:1                                                                                                                                                                                                                     And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

Get Ready, Set… CHASE!

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4 thoughts on “What am I chasing?

  1. I really appreciate this post! I’m also a pastor’s wife, mom, mentor, blogger, etc. and it’s so easy to get caught up in those roles. We forget the main role – daughter of the King. Would you mind if I linked this to a post I wrote called “Choosing Mary Moments in a Martha World”? The idea is similar, and this post reminded me of it. Obviously, God knew I needed to hear it again today! :)

    • Stultsmamaof4, I just stalked your page. I loved it! Feel free to share. I’ll have to stop by more often and take a look. Thanks for your encouragement.
      -The Pastor’s Wife

      • Thank you for your kind words! I’m new to blogging, so I really appreciate hearing that what I’m doing is meaningful to others. :) I will go ahead and put a link to your post at the end of mine, then. Thanks again – Jen :)

  2. Pingback: Choosing Mary Moments in a Martha World | Being Confident of This

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